I originally wrote this the day after Kevin’s funeral. I had gone into the office in the morning and come home at lunch time. I had wanted to go to the ocean for several days.
I’ve been looking for answers.
I went to the beach because I often feel renewed there. I sat at Dane Street Beach in the sun struggling in my mind. I wanted to hear the waves and the wind, thinking that I might hear something in the whispers, but I couldn’t quiet my thoughts. After a while I got up. I was stiff and sore from sitting cross legged for so long.
I started walking towards the park and little beach down the road. I was thinking it would stretch my legs and ease my sore back.
As I walked I thought about what was important to me.
I thought about all the friends who shared my anguish this week. I thought about how important that was. I thought about how I needed to be strong, to be there for my loved ones. Yeah I know that’s what I talked about yesterday, but sometimes I’m stupid.
When I got to the Independence Park I was feeling better, stronger. I walked down the steps to the little beach. There’s a little sea wall there and in all the times I’ve gone to that little beach I don’t ever remember walking out on it. But today, for some reason, that’s where I turned.
As I walked out, about ½ way along the sea wall, someone had painted “I love you” in the middle of the rock. No other names or words. Just “I love you”
That’s what I was meant to see.
You can call it coincidence if you want, but something turned me that way. I believe it was Kev. He didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear.
On my way back to the car I was thinking about searching for answers. The harder you look the harder they are to find. You look too hard and you end up like those people at that crazy church. You find them when you’re not looking.