“Daddy doesn’t smile anymore”

My daughter spoke those words to her mother a month or two after Kevin died.

They cut to me to my soul.  She had already lost a brother.  It wasn’t fair for her to lose her father too.

One reason I’m working so hard to find my way through this grief forest is that my surviving children don’t deserve to lose more than they’ve already lost.  I owe it to them to be there, not two years from now, but now.  They will never be this age again.

But on the other hand I’m in a lot of pain and most of the time I find it really difficult to be cheerful, fun or to pretend I’m happy.  There’s a fine line here.  Being honest about my grief while at the same time being the engaged and involved father I’ve always tried to be.

Many people who offered us support in the days and weeks following the accident didn’t know what to say.  There really are no words, just being there is all that matters.  One bit of advice I received has stayed with me.  “Don’t let what you’ve lost overshadow what you have” Thanks Jeff, that’s some of the best advice I’ve ever received.

I have smiled some since that day, not as much as before, and for the most part my sense of humor hasn’t come back, but I’m trying.  I’ll keep trying.

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About garbear25

I'm a sad dad.
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