When the weather is cool, cloudy and wet, like it is today, it sort of matches my mood. I don’t feel good, but I feel like I fit. When it’s warm and sunny I feel…out of place, disconnected. It’s like I don’t belong in the sun, like I’m not part of the community who goes out and enjoys the day. It’s kind of a strange feeling to put into words but I guess in some weird way I resent the weather. Maybe on an unconscious level I want everyone to feel as gray as I do.
I know it’s related to the fact that despite my protestations, the world continues to turn. Everyone moves on, my wife and I do too in some ways. We go to work and take care of the kids and pay the bills and all that, but emotionally we are in much the same place as we have been for the last six and one half months, one step up and two steps back
I really can’t imagine feeling good again. People who have been through this tell me that someday I will, and I can hear them, but on a fundamental level I can’t fathom being really happy. I get it, but I don’t grok it. I may think it but I don’t feel it.
Some days I’m really depressed, those are the desperate days. I just try to get through them. When I’m depressed I have no motivation at all. It takes a conscious effort just to get moving. I finish those days exhausted.
Some days I’m shut down. Those are the empty days. I can function intellectually on a day like that. I often get a lot of stuff done on those days but I feel like something less than human. I don’t like these days at all because I feel like I can become trapped in this state and I don’t like being there. It’s cold and lonely.
Most days I’m sad. There is a difference between being sad and being depressed. I think sad is the most natural feeling emotion. It fits me like a well worn cloak. I can function and I can produce on sad days. It’s the new normal for now.
Every now and then I have a “good” day. On a good day I feel melancholy. These days are like a longing smile. I can remember and feel something other than loss on these days. The sun doesn’t feel like an intruder.
The days do tend to bunch together, a few days in a row of one kind or another. I usually need a kick in the ass when I have a couple of desperate days in a row. Thanks honey.
That’s kind of it right now. I don’t really have angry days, more like angry moments. They tend to happen on the desperate days.
Hope I didn’t depress anyone too much. For what it’s worth yesterday was a melancholy day. So far today is sad, so things are as good as they can be right now. I’m told it will get better.