One of my wife’s coping mechanisms is to pretend Kevin isn’t here. That he’s at school or living in another state or on a long trip. I like to imagine him working for a top-secret quasi-government agency, like a Men in Black kind of thing, but I also have an overactive imagination.
Every now and then she’ll say “He’s not here” as a reminder.
The more I read and contemplate and process, the more I think she has that at least partially right.
Kevin hasn’t ceased to exist. He is on a journey; the path he is on isn’t open to us, at least not yet. I expect that one day I’ll see him again, when it’s my turn to take that same journey. I’m looking forward to that day. There’s no hurry, but I’m no longer afraid of it either.
That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him.
If he really did move far away, or took a trip, we could stay in touch. He’d call on the phone, or send an email or post on FaceBook or Skype us. We’d each update each other on what was going on in our lives. That’s really the missing piece.
I wish there was some way to contact him. AngelBook or Afterlife email or something like that. Steve Jobs can get to work on this any time he wants, I’d even get an iPhone for that app.
I’m still having a hard time with the whole psychic idea. I’d like it to be true. I’d like to think that someone can act as a liaison so Kev could let us know he’s OK and we could let him know we love him and miss him, but I’m struggling with the idea. Innocently or not, how would I know that I’m just not hearing what I want to hear?
No one can sit down and have a full blown discussion with a deceased loved one. If it were possible then the pain of loss would be all but nullified. I suppose there’s a reason for this that will make sense to all of us in time, but what about right here right now.
All we can do is hope and feel and accept. When the wind blows through my hair on an otherwise calm day maybe it’s my mom patting me on the head. When I feel an unusual sense of calm in an otherwise tense situation maybe it’s my dad covering my back. When one of Kev’s favorite songs pops up on the radio just when we were talking about him, maybe it’s his way of saying “Hi, I’m here with you”.
Feel free to stop by anytime.