Searching for What’s in My Hand

I’ve been waiting for something.

A sign, or a connection, or perhaps an insight, but I’ve been waiting.

I’ve been waiting really hard, so hard that I’ve lost focus on my connections here and now.

Let me explain.

The day after Kev’s funeral I had a sign. It wasn’t a light in the sky or a bird landing on my shoulder or anything like that. It was in fact, graffiti. Without thinking much about how or why I found myself walking along the seashore and I found the words “I love you” painted on a small sea wall where I was walking.

The lesson I took away that day was not to look too hard for the signs, but to be open to them when they appear.

I think I forgot the lesson.

Several months ago I began reading about near death experiences, for obvious reasons. Many of the stories told by those who have crossed over and come back have a very similar feel. There is a loving entity that does not judge, but offers complete unconditional love and acceptance. It would seem the point, the meaning and the reason to be, is to love and be loved.

I can’t really explain why, but this feels right to me. It just makes sense to me in a way a vengeful angry punishing God never did. I grok this idea.

Since reading about these experiences I’ve been trying to tune myself to that higher frequency. I’ve been searching for a way to connect to that reality, once again, for reasons that should be obvious to anyone who follows this blog.

Here’s the stupid part.

I’ve been so inwardly focused on this idea that I’ve been losing some of the connection to the people I love. I’ve been preoccupied in my own little world, searching my thoughts for insight and looking up in the sky for some sign, and forgetting to focus on the point.

I love Kevin. Present tense, it doesn’t go away or change. But I love my wife and my other kids too. If, as has been reported, love is the point it seems the right idea to focus on that. That’s where the insight and is to be found.

I figured this out in one of my letters I write to Kevin from time to time. Do you think it’s possible that’s the sign and the connection I’ve been looking for?

PS. I think I might be on the right track. I just went for a walk and I looked down and someone had spray-painted a single word on the sidewalk. See if you can guess what word…

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About garbear25

I'm a sad dad.
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