Changes

At first there was anguish, pain, darkness…despair.

At some point the fog thinned out, thoughts could form, ideas, themes.

In time I found me wandering in the fog, but it was a new me, a different me.

When you suffer a painful loss it changes you, the more profound the loss the deeper the change.

If I had the capacity to alter the course of events that lead to Kevin’s death I would. I’d give up almost anything to roll back the clock and chain him to the banister that night if necessary.

The fact is I can’t change the past.

The fact is Kevin died in a car accident 10 ½ months ago.

The fact is this has changed me in a fundamental way, and the change is still evolving.

What I can do, at least on some level, is work really hard to manage that change as much as possible. Since I can’t alter reality, what change is to be made should and must be positive.

I could choose another path. I could allow these changes to be negative ones. I could become angry, withdrawn or hopeless. I could curse fate, or life or God if you will. Something precious and irreplaceable has been taken away; surely I am entitled to selfishness now, if ever?

But these internal changes are the most important part of Kevin’s legacy. Right now they are his legacy. I refuse to allow his legacy to be my despair.

We were asked recently what we are going to do to remember him, as if we could ever forget. Right now, what I’m doing is examining myself, my actions, my thoughts and my motivations. Why? Because what I do and who I am has an effect on everyone around me and everyone around me is part of Kevin’s legacy too.

If I can be there to help others, then Kevin’s legacy continues to grow; if I can be a better person in his name that his influence multiplies. I feel I have a responsibility to live the best life I can for him.

In time there will be public events and such in Kevin’s memory. We’ve been thinking about some things. Maybe soccer a game, or a tournament, perhaps a memorial bench, but for now, our remembrances are private. Everyone’s path is different.

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About garbear25

I'm a sad dad.
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