Looking back over my recent posts here I find that people might be getting the wrong impression about where I am in the grief process.
Whenever I’ve written, even before I started this blog, I’ve always tried to finish everything on an upbeat note. I‘ve done this for a simple reason, I’m trying to avoid the deep depression that has been stalking me ever since we received that call last October. If I finish with hope, I hope to avoid despair.
Furthermore, a lot of the time when I’m really down I just don’t have the will or the energy to write much, so when I do write I tend to be in a better place, hence the more positive tone here.
I still have bad days and they usually string themselves together. I’m in a bit of a rut right now to tell you the truth. I have that pit in my stomach that comes and goes. My thoughts and feelings are negative. I’ve been thinking a lot about the accident and the events that lead up to it. I’ve been feeling both anger and guilt. I suspect they are related. I’m angry because I feel guilty.
This process is not linear, far from it. I don’t feel a little better each day. I take two steps forward, on back, one forward, 3 back, and so on.
What I have learned is how to recognize when I’m in a down cycle, to acknowledge it and try my best to overcome the depression while feeling what I know I need to feel.
I don’t share everything I write here. Sometimes I don’t think a piece is very good, sometimes it’s private or crosses a line in terms of other people I don’t wish to cross. I also have a file where I write letters to Kevin directly. The writing there is more raw, in some ways more honest, the language is considerably more salty and the emotions are more primal.
It’s also where I go to try and work things out. It’s where I remember what’s important. Sometimes I just spin my wheels in there but sometimes I gain insight that makes it a lot easier to get out of bed the next day. I almost never open that file when I’m in a good space, but I go into it often when I’m struggling.
A lot of the ideas that end up as things I post on the blog started out as thoughts I explored in my letter file. It’s a very private, but very necessary outlet for me.
So the journey continues. The drizzle let up for a while and the sun almost peeked through the clouds over the summer, but as we head into fall it’s grown darker and the rain is coming down at a steady clip, but I can still see the path ahead, and I can at least imagine that it leads to a place worth going. This is progress.