It’s been 365 days since you left us. We mark tomorrow as the anniversary of your death. I wish there was a different word. It seems to me we “celebrate” an anniversary, but this is not a celebration in any way. We will mark the day. It is way too significant to ignore. But we won’t celebrate.
If you had asked me one year ago today where I expected to be I would never have thought here. What happened at 1:45AM in the morning of one year ago tomorrow was in the realm of unthinkable. That I’ve survived at least somewhat intact is a testament to human resilience. There is nothing special about me. More people than you ever realize have been through this. Most of them survive. A few prosper, accepting the gifts of grief and moving forward with a meaningful life. Some are lost. I won’t let that happen to me and become your legacy.
My gifts so far are mostly internal. The writing and creativity are the most obvious. I’m working on the better me part. I’m trying to be more patient and understanding. I do better some days than others. I suppose the next thing is to find some way of honoring you that makes this a better world in a way that is consistent with the person you were. Whatever it is needs to be special to you.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what’s real over the last year, particularly the parts of reality we don’t perceive. I’ve had some thoughts that bring me comfort. I don’t “know” anything. It seems to me to claim definitive knowledge of these matters is the height of arrogance. No, I don’t know anything, but I feel something, and that’s enough. I feel, deep down, that I’ll “see” you again. I feel you are with Nana and Bubba and my mother and father. I feel you are waiting for all of us and that there will be a glorious reunion in time, but to quote the very last line of my favorite movie “not yet”.
I miss you every day. I don’t miss all the big things that should have happened some day. I just miss joking around with you, giving you grief about something, just having you around, all the day to day stuff. I still read the texts we have back and forth on my phone. That’s the stuff I miss most the silly word play, the smirks, the laughter.
I’m grateful we were able to spend so much time together last summer. I really enjoyed working on the deck with you. You were even more eager than me to get that project done, and I love how proud you were about it. I just wish we had finished everything we planned. I’m going to try and get it done at some point. We need to find the money, the time and the motivation. Drew wants to help. I think you want us to do it.
I’d give almost anything to change the past. I don’t need to tell you which lines couldn’t be crossed, you already know, but to date no one has a time machine I can borrow. The events are fixed. I can’t fix the past so I’ll focus on the future.
Stand with me if you can, I desperately need all the help I can get.