Not a crushing depression, not devastating sadness, just blah.
That’s where it is I guess.
I’m getting work done, trucking the kids here and there, coaching, forcing myself to do the paperwork and send the e-mails but I lack motivation.
I’m not inspired to write. I don’t really have any thoughts or themes. I’m just getting done what must be done and moving on to the next day.
I think everyone finds themselves in a place like this from time to time. I guess what makes me different is, I know why I feel this way.
I keep a file of letters I’ve written to Kevin. In it I would often talk about the struggle entering a new phase. I think it has in some respects. I guess it feels more and more like everyone else is moving on with their lives while for me and the inhabitants of my house Kevin’s loss is still a day to day issue.
Yes it’s been over a year and yes I still don’t go more than an hour or two at a time where I’m not actively thinking about him and trying to figure out what to do now that he’s gone. It’s not as openly painful most of the time but the hole is still the primary worry for us. It still takes up our time and saps our energy.
So I still feel depressed, but I guess it’s also true that I’m starting to feel lonely. Sometimes I sense people want to move on, but maybe I’m being overly sensitive.
I don’t know what stage this is or if I’ve been here before but it feels different, less crushing but still primary. I’m just getting tired of feeling blah.