“How are you doing?”
But not really…
I suppose relative to how I could be doing I’m alright, but relative to “before” not so much.
I’ve been struggling lately. Kev’s birthday and the anniversary of his passing were kind of like a one two punch and while I was still reeling from that we started to creep up on the Holiday season. The thought of Holiday music and brightly decorated shopping malls fills me with…nothing. I understand I need to pass through it, but I wish it were over.
When I took my lunchtime walk today I was filled with these and other cheery thoughts (that’s sarcasm by the way). I was feeling pretty down and depressed, but as I walked a thought popped in my head and I straightened up and felt a little better.
The thankful for what you have.
I lost something precious and irreplaceable; it hurts to think about it. Everyone I love feels the same way, but I still have so much that is precious and irreplaceable. As I slide inexorably into the Holiday season I’ll need to keep this thought in the front of my mind.
I can’t forget what I’ve lost. I don’t want to, but I can’t let that loss consume me either, and I know it can.
So with Thanksgiving right around the corner I’ll be thankful. I’m thankful for my wife who understands. I’m thankful for my children who give me what joy I can find right now. I’m thankful for having Kevin as part of my life for nineteen years.
I miss him every day, probably every waking hour. When I’m really focused on something I’m not thinking about him, but when I’m alone, or it’s quiet, or I’m doing one of those mindless tasks that requires little conscious effort, he’s in my thoughts. Sometimes I have to move him aside; I have to think about the present and the future lest despair pull me down into depression.
I don’t love Kevin any less, but I don’t love the rest of my family any less either. So today I’ll turn my attention to what I have, and focus on the positive influence of the one I lost. It will work for today, or maybe tomorrow. I’ll need to reset again in a bit. It’s just how it is.