It’s been almost two weeks since I posted anything.
I guess I’ve been in a kind of empty place. I’ve been struggling to understand it, and I think I put my finger on it this morning. Nothing about this process seems to work out the way you’d expect, you’re always forced to take stock of what’s really going on.
We took part in the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting last night. The ceremony was very beautiful and very touching.
I found myself staring at my candle, the flame distorted through the silent tears. I was thinking of another candle, almost eighteen years ago at our wedding. Lisa and Kev held one flame, I held the other, and together we combined them to light a third, larger candle. The perfect symbol of how our lives were being woven together, to create a richer tapestry.
I was also thinking how fragile we are, much like the flickering flame. We can be snuffed out prematurely, but there’s no way to restore our light, at least in this plane of existence.
I thought about how all of our lives cast a light. We illuminate our little corner of the world. I think all I every really wanted was to make my little part safe and cozy, but in the end it didn’t work out the way I planned, of course it never does. I doubt in the long history of the world that anyone’s life has worked out the way they planned. There is always change, that’s how life works. You adapt or break, you can lament, but you really have no choice but to go on.
Life is change, some good, some indifferent, and some bad. It’s hard sometimes, but complaining about the unfairness of it all isn’t going to help. Adapt.