As it always has, the clock turns and we flip over the calendar pages. Time passes, but for the last 14 ½ months I notice the passage of time much more than I ever did before, but I mark time in a different way. For me time stopped for one moment, and changed my perspective on the flow of time from then on.
Time hasn’t slowed down per se; sometimes it seems a month passes in an eye blink, but at other times seems a day can take a year. I don’t sense the passage of time in itself , the way I used to, but when I consider all the events that have occurred, time must still be rolling right along. For me I guess time stopped but stuff still happens. I notice the trees on the shore, but I don’t sense the flow of the river.
It’s almost impossible for me to believe so much time has passed since Kevin’s death. Intuitively it feels like a few weeks, perhaps a month at most. When I contemplate the events, then it becomes clear that time has in fact passed.
2011 was the first full year that Kevin was not a part of in a material sense. A lot happened, some good, too much bad, hopefully 2012 will be better.
One thing that’s changed for me in 2011 was I have come to really believe that death is not an ending but is a transition. I don’t “know” what happens, I have no idea what we transition to, but this life and that one have purpose, I feel that. What it means for me is I’ll “see” Kevin again, not too soon the way time runs in this life, but perhaps in a blink of the eye in the next.
It gives me hope, a sense that I can make it through how ever many years of existence I have on this plane. I don’t really feel joy yet, but I can imagine that I might one day feel it again, perhaps in 2012, maybe not, but it’s out there somewhere.