Progress is measured in ups and downs.
For a while I thought I was going through ups and downs, but in retrospect, those ups were not really ups. There were perhaps a slightly higher grade of low, but I think it’s more likely that they were just my mind taking a respite from the despair. The pain was so great, and so constant, that from time to time emotional circuit breakers had to kick in, just to give me a little break from myself.
These days I’m feeling something a little different. From time to time I feel pretty good. Those good days are few and far between, and they honestly don’t last too long, but they have happened, and the fact that I can feel good is like a beacon. I know, even when I’m in a trough that a good day can happen. I don’t feel guilty about those good days either; I just enjoy them when they happen.
It gives me a goal. I can have a good day, and if I can have a good day, someday I can have a good week.
When I was living in the real pain, I didn’t really see how bad it was. I doubted that I’d every feel better than “okay” for the rest of my life. I guess what’s changed is I want to feel better. Kevin doesn’t want me to be depressed until the day I die. Being miserable doesn’t prove how much I love him.
I wouldn’t call my present mood “happy”, but the truth is my current state of mind isn’t really related to Kev. What I know is that I’ll work through what’s bothering me and maybe then I’ll be depressed or angry or sad over Kevin. But one day soon, I’ll be in a genuinely good mood. It’s a lot easier to feel crappy when you understand it’s not permanent.