In some ways, I’m still in a state of constant low grade fear.
It’s still very difficult to shake off the feeling that the worst happened once, and it can happen again. I suppose I’m no more statistically likely to lose a child today than I was on October 12, 2010. I would hope I’m at least slightly less likely as my surviving children have learned a very painful lesson about consequences. But the truth is I can’t ever go through life with blinders on again.
So I live with fear.
The other day, for some reason, the dog was all stressed out in the morning. A little voice in the back of my head whispered “maybe he can sense something bad is going to happen”. I think it was in the back of my mind all day.
When the kids ski I’m always worried, and the truth is they are both better skiers than I am, Drew is substantially better. Of course Drew is also a thrill seeker who lives to go as fast as possible on the most challenging terrain. Kata is more cautious, but not nearly as comfortable on skis as Drew.
Drew is leaning to drive; He’ll be eligible to get his license in less than a month.
Maybe that’s the biggest source of stress. I trust Drew, but he’ll be at the mercy of other drivers as well.
The world is a crazy place. Bad things happen sometimes and you and I can’t do anything about it. Of course the world is a beautiful place too, and if you love someone you always have to live with the risk that for one reason or another they could be gone someday. I guess there is no point in obsessing over it. I suppose my tomorrow isn’t guaranteed either.
I just have to try my best to let life happen. I can’t control everything, and if I did it wouldn’t allow my kids the freedom to grow up.