I realized something over the last few days. I’ve been searching.
I think to date most of my journey has been in the form of a search, a search for meaning, a search for answers but ultimately a search for Kevin.
I haven’t found many answers. I’m mostly just finding new ways of asking the same question that men have been asking since they developed the ability to think about it. What the hell are we doing here anyway?
If we are here for a reason then it must follow that when we’re done with this life the lessons we learned must be used. The only way they could be used is if we continue to exist in some fashion. If we continue to exist then Kevin continues to exist and at a minimum I will follow in his footsteps someday. I am hopeful our paths will cross on the other side.
Kevin’s essence may have moved on, but his memory still has deep meaning to all of us left here. I feel it’s important not just to remember him, but to honor him by living in a way that would make him proud. I’m still searching for ways to do that all the time, both great and small.
I’m searching for signs. I’d hate for Kevin to leave me a sign and then to miss it. I’m looking around all the time, listening, and feeling. Sometimes I think, “Maybe that was a message”. I long to feel his presence again.
Fundamentally I think I’m also searching for me. We all change all the time, but trauma changes us very quickly and very profoundly so we really notice it. It takes time, effort and work to both understand and manage that change in a positive direction. I’m afraid if I just wait passively for that change to work itself out it will be mostly negative, and it would be easy to become fearful, hopeless and angry.
Sometimes this whole thing gets a little overwhelming. I still have to conduct the activities of day to day life. Maybe it would be easier if I was independently wealthy and could devote myself 100% to the process of grieving. On the other hand, if I could afford that kind of indulgence maybe the depression would have been overwhelming. I’d have had no requirement to get out of bed in the morning, so I wouldn’t have bothered.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the search, and the daily buzz of activities that I lose track of myself. I become preoccupied and appear to be shut down. I’m not really shut down so much as overburdened. My processor is running at full tilt. If anything I’m thinking too much.
Somehow in the midst of all this I need to remember how to just be. I need to feel the sun on my face and the breeze in my hair and just exist in the moment. I need to give the old processor a bit of time off.
I also need to take time to appreciate the things that make life worth living still. For me that really boils down to the three people I share my home with.
I keep plugging away Kev. Some days I feel like I’m doing it right and some times I feel like I’m screwing up big time. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.