I once explained in the depths of the anguish after losing Kev that I would wake up in the morning and, just for a moment, be disappointed that I hadn’t died in my sleep. I’ve long since overcome that feeling but I thought of it again on Saturday morning, December 22, 2012.
In the weeks leading up to the solstice, that in the minds of many marked the latest potential end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)….(sorry), I had this little fantasy playing out in my mind.
Of course it was based on the idea that maybe the Mayans, or more accurately the dudes who where a little too high one night a few years back and decided that since the Mayans didn’t extended their calendar into a new era this time that the end was nigh, were correct.
I imagined waking up on December 22 and feeling great. My feet and back didn’t hurt when I rolled out of bed; it wasn’t cold like it should be on the first day of winter.
I would have walked downstairs like I do every weekend morning, before everyone else wakes up. Kev would have been sitting at the island in the kitchen having a cup of coffee. OK, I know he didn’t drink coffee, but what the hell else would he be doing sitting in the kitchen alone at 6:30 on a Saturday morning.
I would not have been surprised to find him there; I would have been expecting him.
I would have asked him what he thought of the new kitchen. We were planning the rehab before we lost him and we incorporated some of his ideas.
“I love it, especially the column” he would have told me with a smile.
I would have been a pleasant conversation. Not really profound or consequential, but warm and comfortable, like sitting in front of a fire on a cold night.
We wouldn’t really need to talk about what happened, either to him or to me; it would be enough to just be together. There would be time enough for everything. I’d know that in a bit, each member of the family would wake up, walk downstairs and smile broadly. We’d be all together again, instead of 20% missing.
It would have been perfect.
So maybe, just for a fraction of a fraction of a second, I was disappointed again.