Five Year Letter

October 13, 2015

Dear Kev;

I’ve been thinking for a while about what I wanted to convey on this day, something profound, or important I guess. The truth is this is the one day I just allow myself to just miss you. That’s all. The rest of the year I try to find my way. I try to approach each problem head on. I never ask “why me?” I just accept and attack the problem.

That’s really one of the gifts I guess. My self pity is gone. I have come to believe, very strongly, that we are here to learn and we learn by facing up to problems and overcoming them. They will never be gone, if I solve one, another will take its place, it may be bigger, or smaller. There may be ten problems today instead of the one from yesterday. It does no good to whine about it. Dig in and deal.

I have come to appreciate things more. Beauty, joy, even sadness. It is all part of this life, and this life has purpose. I get that now. When the sun is going down and the light is that sharp ethereal thing that makes even the mundane clear and perfectly defined, that is a moment to be appreciated. The mountains, the oceans, good times with loved ones, those are all gifts and I accept them with gratitude now.

I am more in touch with myself. I think about how I am feeling more than I ever did before. I still struggle sometime with the whys of things, if I am feeling down and depressed, it’s always difficult to know what the root issue is. On the flip side when things are good and I’m feeling right with the world I let myself enjoy those days. I have overcome the fear of “what can go wrong”.

I can still get aggravated with people, particularly when I perceive someone as being selfish. I am sure I can do a better job of being empathetic, but at the some time some folks are really self-centered and I have difficulty with that. I don’t think it’s my role to be taken advantage of. There is a balancing act here. One can give, but if there is nothing coming back you can be used up, and that’s not a healthy place to be.

For the first time since we lost you I have been really focusing on my physical health recently. It’s amazing, but for the first time ever I’ve found that I am enjoying exercising for its own sake. Working out is making me feel good, the health effect, losing weight, getting stronger etc, is secondary. I do my crunches down stairs with my legs up on one of the blue chairs that used to be at Nana and Bubba’s house. There is a collage of you and a bunch of different friends and I look at it for inspiration. Keep sending me the good vibes, maybe I can get some abs, but that’s going to take a while.

I’m really proud of your brother and sister. Drew is really doing well at school, showing some real maturity and initiative. I think he’s going to do well. Kata can drive me nuts in ways that only a 15 year old girl can do, but she’s focused on the right things, and compared to many, she is really pretty easy. It hit me this week how much she is like you. She worries and fusses over how her friends are doing just the way you always did, she’s always trying to fix and save everyone. I wonder where you guys get that from? J

I still think about you all the time. I wonder what you might be doing if things had worked out differently, I think about how much I’d like to tell you something. I still miss the silly stuff. I loved how you made us laugh; I love how everyone was always happy to see you.

I think you’re doing important things. I think you’ll tell us all about your adventures when the time comes. I can wait, because I know when the time comes we will have nothing but time.

It looks like Buddy will be coming to see you soon. He’s been doing great since his surgery but the cancer had spread, so sooner or later he’ll get sick again. We are all going to miss him a ton, but I trust you’ll take care of him until we meet again.

On balance it’s been a good year, and I am grateful. If you’ve been helping, thanks, if that’s not how it works, thanks anyway. We’ve all learned a lot from you Kev and none of the people you touched will ever forget.

Lot’s of Love,

Gare-Bear

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About garbear25

I'm a sad dad.
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